Church Leadership

Over the years as a minister the discussion of women and their role in the church has sometimes put me at odds with fellow ministers. In some churches it will look as though Christianity is oppressive to women. But I will contend that Christianity has been taken over by women. Is this a bad thing? No. Yet, there is a visible lack of men in church attendance. Why? It could be that the church has been taken over by women. Let me first say, most churches would have closed their doors had it not been for the faithfulness of women in the role of leadership. God has used women from the beginning of the church, the first messenger of the resurrection—a woman. She was commissioned by Jesus to tell his disciples he was risen. With that let me say, I am in agreement with Isaiah the prophet, “As for my people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O my people, they which lead you cause you to err, and destroy the way of your paths.” This is the judgment of God upon a nation where men have failed to be the leaders.

Since the laity is mostly women, ministers have adapted their message to women. And men and women have different characteristics. Women will try to gain the goodwill or favor of someone; they try to maintain bonds of friendship; they try to avoid conflict—and all these feminine tendencies have affected both the way churches operate and what doctrines are taught. Example, most agree that sin and evil exist but to personalize sin and evil is damaging to self-esteem. It is not nice to call someone a sinner or to say they are evil. The result is a “believism” rather than a conversion which is through conviction, repentance, and new creation. The Scriptural plan of salvation is distasteful so it is not the accepted method in the profession of Christianity.

I find it amazing that twelve men were the core of leadership in the beginning of the Church appealing to other men to the point that in twenty-four months they turned the world up side down. Has the Scripture changed? Has the message of salvation changed? Has the message of love become an emotional, squishy relationship of touchy-feely. Why is it the we have the highest enlistment for military service and love for our county but not for the church? Yet, 83% of American call themselves Christians. Could it be Christianity has lost this masculine sense of a struggle against the forces of evil. Is it that the message has been watered down to passionate feelings and emotional response that men find difficult to identify with?

Paul used expressions that appealed to men, his description of evil was in military terms like-- conflict, swords, armor, battles and warfare. Men outside the church consider going to church, to be a place for passive wimps and other weak people who need help. That may be the reason military enlistment has been on a voluntary basis for the past several years. Men are conquerors and protectors and are supposed to be strong. The church has changed the message to appeal to women not men. The warrior class is missing.  Sunday School lessons are written for the most part by women, devotional and self-help are written to attract the woman reader.

Christianity has become an emotional religion of the heart. Over the years the terminology of the Church has became feminized, the predominance of feminine emotions or religion of the heart has brought about a subtle change in Christianity to make it conform more to the desires of the feminine heart. A change in the emphasis on the emotion from the true evil nature of sin has shaped a religion that is difficult to distinguish from the Christianity of the Gospels. The struggle for inner peace and the eradicating of sin has all but disappeared from modern Christianity, in favor of a message of universal acceptance that does not require holiness but rather goodness.

A large number of women who are leaders in the “church” have constructed an image of Jesus as they wished men were: sensitive, always ready to talk about their relationship, loving, kind, and not willing to show anger. This Jesus is not the Jesus of the Scriptures. This is a perverted view of Jesus, making him a wimp in the eyes of men.

Men who are attracted to the Church will not stay in a feminized church. The Church must develop a right understanding of the meaning of masculinity and femininity, an understanding that is consistent with a balanced view of Scriptures. Only then will men return to the Church and become the leaders they are called to be. I might add, most women I know in the church would be happy to have men in roles of leadership.

So men, if you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior you have accepted a commission to serve in the Army of the Lord. With that commission comes an oath of service to protect the church against enemies both within and without the church. Those failing to preform the duties of leadership are traitors. Give the women a break, its time to step up and be the leader you have been called to be.

Supporting the Constitution

Last month I was honored to be selected by our town council to fill a position vacated by a member of the council. Before permitted to start, I was required to take an oath or affirmation to support the Constitution of Indiana and the United State and an oath of office. Later, as I thought about the responsibility I assumed, not only to my town, but to the state of Indiana and the United States I realized, I am to be a protector of the principles of the Constitution. So here goes.

Oklahoma passed a law by 70% making it illegal for judges to rely on Islamic sharia laws in deciding cases. But. . .a federal judge has temporarily blocked an Oklahoma measure that bars courts from considering Islamic Sharia law.

U.S. District Judge Vicki Miles-LaGrange issued the ruling in response to a lawsuit filed by the Council On American-Islamic Relations. CAIR says the voter-approved State Question 755 discriminates against Muslims.

"They imply we're trying to change life in Oklahoma - that we're trying to impose our religions on Oklahomans," Muneer Awad, executive director of the Oklahoma chapter of CAIR, said Monday, "The ruling is a reminder of the strength of our nation's legal system and the protections it grants to religious minorities".  (There are over thirty-thousand Muslims in Oklahoma—wonder how many Quakers make up a minority?)

Supporters of the measure say they will fight the judge's decision.  (Looks like this judge is “establishing a religion”---a direct violation of the Constitution.)

I find this astounding! First, the judge took an oath of office, as I did, to protect the Constitution of the United States. Which she has failed to do. Next, I am amazed that no one has mentioned, "Separation of Church and State”, but that only applies to Christians.

Are we to open the door to ecclesiastical courts? Is justice going to based on one religious affiliation? One for the Jews, one for the Catholics, one for the Mormons all based on their religious beliefs? What happens to Christians who do not have an ecclesiastical court? What happens to those who have no religious affiliation? Where are the atheist when you need one? Where is the ACLU? As a Quaker, we are up the creek without paddle. We are lucky to have a quorum for a business meeting, let alone an ecclesiastical court.

Is this really something we as Christians should be concerned with?  I say, YES! Here is why.

Sharia law is a totalitarian set of laws that is a violation of the US constitution and everything the founding Fathers saw for America. Our country has become the victim of a cultural jihad. It is the goal of Islam to eliminate the Western civilization from within by sabotaging our freedom.

One of the freedoms they will destroy is the freedom of religion. Countries ruled by Sharia law have no religious freedom. It is against Sharia law to worship outside the religion of Islam.

To make matters worse, President Obama chose Harold Koh as the legal adviser for the State Department. Koh says that there is nothing wrong with Sharia law. This man says, judges should interpret the Constitution according to other nation's legal “norms” Sharia law could apply to disputes in US courts. Koh is the man our President Obama has nominated to be a defender of American laws. President Obama also took an oath to protect the Constitution against enemies foreign and domestic.

We have within our country an enemy that is both foreign and domestic and should be stopped from destroying our freedom to worship according to the dictates of our hearts.  I believe, there is no other name under heaven whereby men can be saved from their sin and find fellowship with God than that of Jesus Christ.  I also believe that under our Constitution everyone has the freedom to choose who they will serve.  If they choose wrong that is their choice.

Warning-- Young Children Present

As a father of three sons and grandfather of thirteen grandchildren I have learned that every child is different and that no two are really the same. Awhile back, while surfing the Web, I came across a very interesting page entitled "Things I've learned from my children." It should have been subtitled "Parenting isn't for cowards." As I read the website I was reminded of some of the things our three sons did while they were at home.  I now see some of the same actions being done by our grandsons.  I must say that our granddaughters are "prim and proper".  Here are some warnings that should come with the manual of raising children.

1. If you have a ceiling fan, there is no such thing  as childproofing your house. (Install all fans out of reach of the tallest child.)

2. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. (Never allow the dog to run with a leash. They are easily caught and are at the mercy of the child.)

3. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. ( Paint and children do not mix.)

4. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. (Remove all hard balls for your home. Nerf balls are safer.)

5. However, if you choose to use the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

6. When hit just right, a ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in a double pane window does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it is already too late.

8. A four year-old granddaughter's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

9. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. However, duplos will not.

10. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. (Hmmm makes you want to try it, eh? Don't!)

11. Never allow your children to watch re-runs of McGyver. He will teach them many things you don't want your children to know. Ditto for Tarzan and the MythBusters.

12. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a wading pool, you still can't walk on water.

13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

14. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

15. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It does, however, make kittens very dizzy. Kittens throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

16. In retrospect, a good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life. However, grandchildren will make you forget you ever had a problem.

Let's face it: parenting is a tough, exhausting, never-ending job. Long hours. Low pay. Lots of aggravation. Little affirmation. All fueled by the hope that one day, mom and dad will be able to say along with the Apostle John "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth". Or as a loose paraphrase might read, "I'm fortunate that my kids have turned out all right."

Some advice- parenting is the only job that begins with no experience, and when you have the experience no one wants your advice.

Rules You Will Follow

 I spent twenty-eight and a half years teaching students a career in the skilled trades. They learned to follow the rules. All my life I heard, “You can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink.” WRONG! If you put enough salt in his food he will be happy to drink.  I may have had the wrong scriptural interpretation of Jesus saying, “Ye are the salt of the earth. . .” but, I became the salt in their lives and they learned to “drink”.

 Many of my students still stay in touch with me. I receive Christmas cards, phone calls and some just stop by to see how I am doing. For many it was the first time in their life they had to live by the rules.

Some of the more “challenging” students have called me years later to tell me they had given their heart to the Lord and were active in their church. I have been truly blessed to have been allowed by God to lead some of my students to the Lord--- not but preaching the Word ----but by living the Word.

(You might notice I am not a touchy-feely person)

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it.

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will not make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a luxury car until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: This school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. This school may have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Rule 12: I am not your mom, so pick-up after yourself—I won't!

Rule 13: The last half of American is I CAN!

Rule 14: Real life is made up of RULES get use to following the rules.

Rule 15: You are not entitled to an education, a job, a car, a house, medical benefits, and respect they must ALL be earned.

Rule 16: In the real world you won't get by with only doing 75% of the job right. Just because you installed three tires on a car correctly, the customer will expect all four tires installed correctly---which is 100%.

Rule 17: I am not your mom or dad. If I say NO, I mean NO! Don't ask me twice!

Rule 18: Come to learn.

Rule 19: If you have no purpose in life you have no direction. If you have no direction you have no idea where you are going. If you don't know where your going you had better find out soon.

Rule 20: Life is hard, success requires a desire to be the best. You must work hard and give your best effort.

If you follow these rules I will promise you will  find success.  I do not train losers, I train winners.

After having read these rules you may be wondering did they work? I taught over three thousand students during my career, many of my students today are successful business owners, top technicians in their company, design engineers, programmers, and educators. My program was ranked as one of the top programs in the nation, and four years in a row the top program in the United States.  Many of the students were in the top 2% of students in the nation.  Why?  They learned to follow the rules.

If you look hard you will find most of the rules are based on Biblical principles. Maybe you can find them.

Advice To Ministers

Over the forty some years of serving in the ministry there are some things I have learned from experience and some from others who have been in the ministry. Here is  advice that has been given to me from my father, father-in-law, pastors and from my grandfather.  I do not claim originality for much of the content of this article, although some has come from my own ignorance of being a pastor.

First, let me share this with you, I never wanted to be a pastor.  Both my father and father-in-law were pastors.  I observed how they were treated and didn’t want to subject myself to that type of experience.  However, the Lord had a different plan.  So after surrendering to his will, I found myself a pastor.  I trust some of the knowledge I have gained over the years will be helpful to those who are in the ministry.  Among Quakers we have what is known as Advice and Queries, this is Advice only.

Don’t start until you are sure you have been called by God.

Make sure to fill every area of your mind with knowledge.  If your brain is not crammed with knowledge you will become a sound brass and tinkling simpleton.

Don’t apologize for the Truth. Preach it!

Don’t defend the Truth.  Truth is its own defense.

Don’t criticize children.  They need models not critics.

Preacher’s kid sometimes acts badly because they hang out with the parishioner’s kids.

Don’t be embarrassed because of the lack of original thought.  Most of us know only what we have learned.

Don’t parade your learning.  Give the people the results and not the process of your scholarship.

Don’t be deceived by the flattery of the few.  Most of your congregation will walk out in silence.

Don’t rush to make changes. People are tied to traditions. 

Don’t use slang.  It is the dry rot of language.

Don’t be late.  Be as punctual in the Lord’s service as you are in your work at the office or shop.  The Lord’s work is worthy of your best.  Don’t give him your crumbs.

Don’t feel as a minister, you can do what any other Christian may do.  In theory--- yes.  Practicality—no.  You are a man set apart and there should be a difference.

Remember you are called by the Lord to the ministry.

Don’t make a funeral service an evangelistic opportunity.

Don’t be a church tramp. They are respected no more than other types of tramps.  All churches have their problems.  The perfect church is no longer perfect when you become a member.

Don’t expect a compliment when a lady says, “I’m going to be frank with you.”

Learn to discern people’s faces.

Don’t hide from the community you live in, be visible. 

Don’t invite seekers to the altar, invite them to Jesus Christ.

Don’t put your church in debt.  Learn to trust the Lord.

Remember you are a leader not a dictator.

Don’t preach your doubts.  Know what you believe and why.

Don’t imitate someone else, be a, “what you see is what you get” minister.

Remember the mind can only comprehend what the seat can endure. 

Don’t pound the pulpit, pound the truth.

And last, what is said in private to you is not to be shared with others, your spouse included.

The Character Family

I’m not talking about a Perfect home. So, when I talk about a Character Family, what I’m saying, in the long run, will our kids describe our home as a safe place ... peaceful home.You might ask, "Why do they need a peaceful home?"

Our children are in a battle all day long. They need a safe place where they can drop their armor to be themselves be protected and loved. Researchers who study the social changes affecting children have found: Forty-two percent of U.S. families with children start out with three strikes against them. 1.) Lack of education, 2.) Lack of commitment, And 3.) lack of maturity.

There have been two areas of studies that I have found most intriguing--- the study of the heart and brain. As Christians we often overlook studies that are not directly related to “spiritual things”. When in fact theses studies only prove the accuracy of God's Word. We wonder why our families are struggling and children are plagued with so many emotional problems could it be we have forgotten what God has instructed us to do to have the Character Family.

Several years ago, I conducted a workshop for parents who had children entering pre-school. Here is some of the information I shared with them. You may find it useful.

Our children are experiencing more emotional problems than ever before. They are labeled LD, EH, ADD, MH, an d new labels are coming out each new school year.

Brain damage caused by bad experiences can increase the risk of developing a wide variety of ills.

• Aggression
• Language failure
• Depression
• Mental Disorders
• Asthma
• Epilepsy
• High blood pressure
• Immune-system Dysfunction
• Diabetes

Let me add, this damage is not caused by a physical blow. It is caused by the improper wiring of the brain neurons.  Child stress research has found: Developmental experiences determine the capability of the brain to do things. If you don't change those developmental experiences your not going to change the hardware of the brain.

The two major factors that are associated with giving a child the proper developmental experiences is: 1.) Quality of home life and 2.) Parent-child relationship. (And we wonder why we have so many messed-up kids).  There is very little home life in our homes today and parent -child relationships are almost  non-existent.  Parents are more concerned about having "quality time" away from their children than with them. 

Researchers are using terms like enriched environment as the real brain food of children. In children the IQ's can be raised as much as 20 point by exposure to an enriched environment.

The circuits controlling emotion are laid down before birth. Then the environment takes over. You have until about three years of age to help your child develop their behavior patterns.

Neurons that fire together, wire together.

If a child's emotional responses are consistently mirrored, then the circuits for these emotions are reinforced. This is done by a chemical reaction in the brain. Serotonin is the brain's master impulse modulator for all our emotions and drives. If you allow your child to “throw a fit” without correction you are hard-wiring your child for this emotional response.

Serotonin keeps aggression in line. When serotonin levels fall, violence rises. When the levels are too high a person becomes fearful. Lowered levels don't compel you to be aggressive. It just permits you to be aggressive by lowering the threshold. That’s why is important to train your child. Training establishes set points of serotonin. These are learned levels. Chemicals which allow brain cells to talk to each others are part of our physiology. Most people are born with a balance that allows them to act in a reasonable way. It is the environment which triggers serotonin and noradrenaline to cause an imbalance in people.

Noradrenaline is the alarm hormone which organizes the brain to respond to danger, producing the chemical that prepare the body to fight or flee. Hot blooded people have high noradrenaline levels. Cold blooded people have low levels. High levels of noradrenaline is an indicator of Post-traumatic stress disorder.

As parent we are the influence on our children's development. At 20 months, babies whose mother talk with them daily knew 131 more words than mothers who did not talk with their child.

In the past people taught that the mastery of vocabulary was an innate capacity of the child. That's not true it has to be learned.

The critical period for learning a spoken language is totally lost by about the age of ten. You can learn a second language later in life but it is highly unlikely you will speak with the correct accent of the language. As an educator I find it amazing schools wait until children are in high school before they offer classes in second languages. The critical period for learning syntax is before age 3. Children speak much like their parents. They model the language and accents.

Movement and muscle control is established by the age of 4. By the time a child is 3 year of age much of it's behavior will be established. The first few years of a child's development is critical to their emotional and spiritual behavior.

Research

• During a child's development, there are a series of time periods, or "windows", in which a child can best learn or refine a particular ability, such as speech and vision. These windows are only effective if there are appropriate environmental stimuli for the child.

• Research shows that the experiences the brain is exposed to in the first three years dramatically influences how it operates for the rest of its life.

• Research shows that the lack of proper stimulation causes brain damage. Other factors causing brain damage are the result of exposure to the wrong kinds of stimulation, such as violence and stress.

• Researchers are finding that genes can be altered by environmental stimulation to work harder or to work less, sometimes increasing a person's risk of aggression or violence. Gene mutations are more easily affected by environmental factors, such as alcohol and stress, making some people more prone to violence.

• Research has found that children born to mothers who have less than 12 years of education have a fourfold increased risk of mental retardation. White children had the same fourfold risk as black children if their mothers didn't complete school. The study of more than 1,000 children showed that mild retardation, defined as having an IQ between 50 and 70, occurs at a rate of one in 100 children. The biggest risk factor for mild retardation is the mother's low education level, which far exceeds the risk posed by poverty.

• Research shows about 22 percent of all birth in this country are to mothers with less than a high school education. These women often do not know how to provide stimulation--- such as talk, toys, and physical activity--- to their infants, which can lead to stunting of the brain during the crucial first three years of life.

• Research shows that sections of the brain develop at different rates and that there are different critical periods for sight, sound, and physical movement.

• Research on the effects of attitudes and emotions on learning indicate that stress and constant fear, at any age can circumvent the brain's normal circuits. A person's physical and emotional well-being are closely linked to the ability to think and to learn effectively.

• Research show the importance of interaction with a child is a major factor in their overall development. Smile at your infant-- the brain will learn to reciprocate the behavior. Talk to children-- the more words they hear, the faster they learn to speak. Play counting games-- it helps develop math and logic skills. Let kids run and play-- it forms efficient connections in the motor system and cerebellum, allowing them to move smoothly.

What is your home like? Is it peaceful.

Is this new? No. Long before there were studies on brain development their were instruction given to parents by God concerning the importance of training children when they were young.

The strength of this country has always been directly related to the vitality of the traditional family unit. The authority and responsibly to raise and nurture children has always been reserved for the parents. Regardless of personal religious beliefs, society has historically upheld the concept of parental and family preeminence. This is based on the Word of God. It is the responsibility of the parents to train their children, not the public school system.

Exodus

13:8 And thou shalt shew thy son in that day, saying, This is done because of that which the LORD did unto me when I came forth out of Egypt.---History lesson

13:9 And it shall be for a sign unto thee upon thine hand, and for a memorial between thine eyes, that the LORD’s law may be in thy mouth: for with a strong hand hath the LORD brought thee out of Egypt.

13:10 Thou shalt therefore keep this ordinance in his season from year to year.

13:14 And it shall be when thy son asketh thee in time to come, saying, What is this? that thou shalt say unto him, By strength of hand the LORD brought us out from Egypt, from the house of bondage:

13:15 And it came to pass, when Pharaoh would hardly let us go, that the LORD slew all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both the firstborn of man, and the firstborn of beast: therefore I sacrifice to the LORD all that openeth the matrix, being males; but all the firstborn of my children I redeem.

13:16 And it shall be for a token upon thine hand, and for frontlets between thine eyes: for by strength of hand the LORD brought us forth out of Egypt.

Deuteronomy 4:9 Only take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life: but teach them thy sons, and thy sons’ sons;

4:10 Specially the day that thou stoodest before the LORD thy God in Horeb, when the LORD said unto me, Gather me the people together, and I will make them hear my words, that they may learn to fear me all the days that they shall live upon the earth, and that they may teach their children.-- History lesson

6:6 And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart:

6:7 And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

6:8 And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes.

6:9 And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates.

11:19 And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

11:20 And thou shalt write them upon the door posts of thine house, and upon thy gates:

11:21 That your days may be multiplied, and the days of your children, in the land which the LORD swear unto your fathers to give them, as the days of heaven upon the earth.

11:22 For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him---

Then and only then will be blessed by God.

Imagine an evening in ancient Israel. The day's work is done, the meal is finished, and the family is gathered around a small fire--it's story time. Father and grandfather take turns relating to the children the "praises of the Lord" (Ps. 78:4). They tell of Abraham's journey. They speak of Isaac. Their voices come alive when they tell about old Jacob. They remember Moses and Joshua and Elijah and the great King David. They recount the history of their own family. And all the time they focus their attention on the mighty works of God in behalf of His people.

That's the way Jewish men fulfilled their responsibility to tell the next generation about the Lord. They had been told by their parents, who had been told by their parents.

Our children need to know about God. They need to learn from us about His love, His faithfulness, and His grace. They need to hear from us about the times He stepped into our lives to protect and provide.

So gather up your sons and daughters and grandchildren. Relate to them how God has worked in your life. Fulfill your responsibility, and tell the children. This is the start towards a peaceful home—A Character Family.

Observations of Life

Sometimes the only rest and relaxation I find is in the insanity of life. Over the years I have collected trivial facts that make me smile. Some in my family have accused me I being an encyclopedia of useless knowledge. Let me share some of my observations of life.

• Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
• I am thankful wrinkles don't hurt.
• One of the few enjoyments of life is to continue to live solely to enrage those who are pay your annuities or retirement.
• In your dreams you are never old.
• I am not 62 years old but 22 years old with 40 years of experience.
• When the Republicans don’t listen to us, we teach them a lesson by electing the Democrats. Then...When the Democrats don’t listen to us, we teach them a lesson by electing the Republicans. Then...When the Republicans don’t listen to us (again), we teach them a lesson by electing the Democrats (again).
• No matter what the situation, this too shall pass.
• Wives should come with instructional manuals.
• In America dogs go to obedience school and kids run wild?
• If ignorance is bliss, the world should be filled with happy people.
• I find bad decisions make good stories.
• A man who says marriage is 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things, women and fractions.
• I have always lived in a two story house-- her story and my story.
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Swearing is the efforts of a feeble mind to express itself forcefully.
• You can agree with me or choose to be wrong.