As a father of three sons and grandfather of thirteen grandchildren I have learned that every child is different and that no two are really the same. Awhile back, while surfing the Web, I came across a very interesting page entitled "Things I've learned from my children." It should have been subtitled "Parenting isn't for cowards." As I read the website I was reminded of some of the things our three sons did while they were at home. I now see some of the same actions being done by our grandsons. I must say that our granddaughters are "prim and proper". Here are some warnings that should come with the manual of raising children.
1. If you have a ceiling fan, there is no such thing as childproofing your house. (Install all fans out of reach of the tallest child.)
2. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. (Never allow the dog to run with a leash. They are easily caught and are at the mercy of the child.)
3. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. ( Paint and children do not mix.)
4. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. (Remove all hard balls for your home. Nerf balls are safer.)
5. However, if you choose to use the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
6. When hit just right, a ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in a double pane window does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it is already too late.
8. A four year-old granddaughter's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
9. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. However, duplos will not.
10. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. (Hmmm makes you want to try it, eh? Don't!)
11. Never allow your children to watch re-runs of McGyver. He will teach them many things you don't want your children to know. Ditto for Tarzan and the MythBusters.
12. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a wading pool, you still can't walk on water.
13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
14. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
15. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It does, however, make kittens very dizzy. Kittens throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
16. In retrospect, a good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life. However, grandchildren will make you forget you ever had a problem.
Let's face it: parenting is a tough, exhausting, never-ending job. Long hours. Low pay. Lots of aggravation. Little affirmation. All fueled by the hope that one day, mom and dad will be able to say along with the Apostle John "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth". Or as a loose paraphrase might read, "I'm fortunate that my kids have turned out all right."
Some advice- parenting is the only job that begins with no experience, and when you have the experience no one wants your advice.
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